A blind man wanders into an all-girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent . In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things":
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler."Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and muttered "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Submitted by a Rich DiPaolo
Friday, March 27, 2009

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very
big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and
jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the
congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said.... 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday..

Submitted by a Jerry Bilkre
Thursday, March 26, 2009

A Greek and an Italian were argueing who had the greatest cultural history. The Greek said "we built the Acropolis." "Ah," said the Italian "but we built the Colossium."
"We introduced mathematical thought" said the Greek. "We established systems of government that still exist today and established the Roman Empire" was the response.
"Well," said the Greek, "we pioneered the concept of sex for pleasure." "True enough," said the Italian. "But we introduced it to women"

Submitted by a David Hansen
Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A man gets on a Greyhound bus and sits down next to another man. The man who was already seated looks at him and says, "Hey guy, your face is really flushed, are you feeling alright?"
The man replies, "I'm not sick, just really embarrassed. I bought my ticket here at the counter from a woman who was very well-endowed and I said to her, "I'd like a ticket to Tittsburgh, please."
The first guy laughs and says, "I wouldn't worry too much about that; I remember seeing her, she's probably heard much worse than that from guys. Besides, that was just a harmless Slip-Of-The-Tongue;
why just the other day my wife asked me to pass her the salt & pepper at the dinner table and I said to her without thinking, "You stupid bitch you've ruined my life!"

Submitted by a Micheal Campbell
Monday, March 23, 2009

Bad Joke Friday

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry. We can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry. We still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Submitted by a Ken G.
Friday, March 20, 2009

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"5 dollars an ounce."
"How much for bass player brain?"
"90 dollars an ounce."
"Why is bass player brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many bass players need to die to get one ounce of brain?"

Submitted by a Toby Prichard
Thursday, March 19, 2009

Ed and Dorothy met at a retirement RV Park and Ed fell head over heels in love' with her. After a couple of weeks in which Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love. And so, on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue. 'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' said Ed to his new-found lady friend. 'I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!'Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, 'Since we're being so honest with each other, here goes, you need to know that I'm a hooker.'?'I see, 'Ed replied. 'That's a problem, for sure.' He spent some time looking down at the table, deep in thought.Then he added, ,,,'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'

Submitted by a MIles O'Toole
Wednesday, March 18, 2009

There was once an Irishman named Murphy who walked into an American Bar. He sat down and asked the Bartender "Give me three shots o' your finest Irish Whiskey!" the Bartender complies.
After about a week the bartender asks, "Murphy, would it be better for yeh if I put all three shots of Irish Whiskey into one glass?"
Murphy replied, "well no. See I have two other brothers back at home, Patrick and Owen, and everytime I come into a Pub or Bar I order a shot for each o' them so I can remember the good times."
Well, after another week of this routine, Murphy comes into the bar and only asks for two shots of Irish Whiskey. The bartender immediately says "Murphy, is everything ok? Did somethin' happen to one of your brothers?" "Oh no", Murphy said, "I just decided to quit drinkin!"

Submitted by a MIles O'Toole
Tuesday, March 17, 2009

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

Submitted by a Mike Hayes
Monday, March 16, 2009

Bad Joke Friday

A guy walks up to his friend and starts to tell him the most amazing story. "I saw a dog today," the first man says "but he didn't have a nose!"
"No nose?" asked his friend. "How did he smell?"
The first guy thought about it for a second and then replied, "He smelled awful."

Submitted by a Wayne Thompson
Friday, March 13, 2009

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding s alary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it , we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "AMEN!!"

Submitted by a Ed Sinner
Thursday, March 12, 2009

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Submitted by a Jon Stropes
Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Income taxes are normally due on April 15th unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th. However, I have been told that rule has recently been changed for this and for the next 4 years. Tax payments WILL NOT BE DUE UNTIL YOU ARE NOMINATED TO A CABINET POSITION. Please check with your Tax adviser to confirm.

Submitted by a Mark Sumonka
Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Q - What's red and bad for your teeth?

A - A brick.

Submitted by a Rich DiPaolo
Monday, March 9, 2009

Bad Joke Friday

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

Submitted by a Toby Prichard
Friday, March 6, 2009

Bill Clinton is visiting his "office" in Harlem and gets on the elevator. Already on it is a young lady who is obviously a hooker. She gives Bill a wink and, since Hillary is out of the country (thanks, Barack!), Bill asks, "How much?" She answers back, "$500". He chuckles and says he usually doesn't have to pay for it, saying "Would you take $50?". She says "Forget it" and goes on her way.
The next day Bill gets on the elevator again and is happy to see the same hooker also there. He asks, "How much now?" and she says, "It's still $500." He again says, "Would you take $50?" and, as before, she turns him down.
The next day Hillary is back in town and she joins Bill as he goes to his office. When the two of them get on the elevator he is not so happy to see the hooker. He ignores her and she ignores him, but after a short while she leans over and whispers in his ear, "See what you get for $50!"

Submitted by a Pat Lennon
Thursday, March 5, 2009

A bass player has been dating a striking woman for a few months.
He starts to notice that every time they finish making love, she reaches over, cups his testicles, and just holds them for a while.
So one night after they fool around the bass player says, “sweetie, I notice you always hold my testicles after we make love. Why is that”?
She sighs, snuggles in closer, grips a little tighter and whispers into his shoulder, “I just miss mine”

Submitted by a Chip Cade
Wednesday, March 4, 2009

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine Cuban (illegal) imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. Without a word, she took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. He had never felt so manly as with her. They took a long hot shower together and she helped him back into his uniform.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. '...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, ......but what's the dollar for?'
'Well,' she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "..Screw him ........give him a dollar."
The beautiful blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."

Submitted by a Mark Sumonka
Tuesday, March 3, 2009

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A woman stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum ."

Submitted by a Mark Sumonka
Monday, March 2, 2009

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off, and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'

Submitted by a Ken G.
Friday, February 27, 2009

A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said,
"Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll care for you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry.

Submitted by a Matt Christian
Thursday, February 26, 2009

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whisky, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am.' He then asked her what she was. She replied, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.' A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Submitted by a Jim Fiamoncini
Wednesday, February 25, 2009

An older couple went on a walk one beautiful, summer day. Hand in hand, they strolled through the park looking at the flowers.
The birds were singing, the sun was shining. It couldn't have been more perfect, until a pigeon flew by and relieved himself on the woman's head.
"Yuck!" said the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for?" said the man...
"He must be half a mile away by now."

Submitted by a Toby Prichard
Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh.. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Submitted by a RIch DiPaolo
Monday, February 23, 2009

Really, Really Bad Joke Friday

Q - What do you call smelly testicles?
A - Foul balls'

Submitted by a Andy Ferguson
Friday, February 20, 2009

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an
orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.
That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.' Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

Submitted by a Mark Sumonka
Thursday, February 19, 2009

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Submitted by a Ed Sinner
Wednesday, February 17, 2009

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, but he also wants to move up our wedding date!'
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

Submitted by a David Watson
Tuesday, February 16, 2009

A blonde was driving down a country road when she looked out over dirt field and saw another blonde sitting in a canoe, rowing with a paddle. The blonde in the car screeches to a halt, jumps out of the car and runs to the edge of the field. For five minutes she berates the blonde in the canoe on how blondes are always the butt of jokes and that blondes like her are always giving all blondes a bad name. Finally, she turns to get back in her car but first turns to the blonde in the canoe and shouts, “....and if I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass!”

Submitted by a Ted B.
Monday, February 16, 2009

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists , etc., and in this case a new Urologist for me.
My family Doctor just recently referred me to a recent graduate, female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous...
She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......"

Submitted by a Jerry Bilkre
Friday, February 13, 2009

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."

Submitted by a Linda Prichard
Thursday, February 12, 2009

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Submitted by a Ken G.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A union worker was attending a convention in Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "It isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"House gets $80, and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
Madame replied “the girls get $80, and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunning attractive blonde.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would sir," said the Madame.
Then, gesturing to an obese seventy-five year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority"

Submitted by a D. Sigman
Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Submitted by a David Watson
Monday, February 9, 2009

A senior couple out on their retirement park golf course paused for a drink of water on the fifth tee. Out of the blue, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling. I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me. Since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."
The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed his driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you?”
“I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees?!"

Submitted by a Bill Hall
Friday, February 6, 2009

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Submitted by a Tim Kelly
Thursday, February 5, 2009

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence .. And then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line,
'Okay... Now what?

Submitted by a Rich DiPaolo
Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry. We can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry. We still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Submitted by a Ken G.
Friday, January 30, 2009

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
The man sighs and says, "It’s started".

Submitted by a Toby Prichard
Thursday, January 29, 2009

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed. The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test.
First the teacher asks, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"
Johnny replies, "Legs."
So the teacher asks, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?"
"Pockets," Johnny replies.
Finally the teacher asks, "And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
"Rome," is his answer.
With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks, "Well, shall we pass him?"
"Better not ask me," the principal says, "I got the first two wrong!

Submitted by a Stacy Riley
Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Submitted by a Brad Shoemaker
Monday, January 26, 2009

A penguin is on vacation and traveling in a convertible through Arizona during the summer. He notices that the oil light is on. After pulling off of the road he discovers that there is an oil leak. After he lets the engine cool off he slowly drives to the closest town and finds a mechanic. After telling the mechanic what has happened he decides to look around the town while he has to wait.
It's hot and he stops at an ice cream store to cool down.
He orders a vanilla. When asked if he wanted it in a cone or cup he choices the cup as it is easier to hold because of his flippers. He makes a little mess on his face.
Returning to the mechanic he asked what was wrong with the car.
The mechanic answered, "It looks like you just blew a seal".
At which the penguin wiped his mouth and stated " no that's just ice cream".

Submitted by a Douglas Curran
Thursday, January 21, 2009

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman ran over to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me to", she told him.
''Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long minutes and asked,
'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

Submitted by a Rich DiPaolo
Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Submitted by a Scott Reynolds
Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to
reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Howard. You're a veterinarian."

Submitted by a Jon Stropes
Monday, January 19, 2009

A man, having applied to join the police force in a small south Texas town, is being interviewed. The Chief says "Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'
Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues "Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six suspected felons, and a rabbit."
The man says "Why the rabbit?"
"Fantastic attitude!" says the Chief.
"When can you start?"

Submitted by a Ken G.
Friday, January 16, 2009

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this Way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I Accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up. '

Submitted by a Nick Sterio.
Thursday, January 15, 2009

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."

Submitted by a Toby Prichard.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a valley?'
God explained it to him.then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a river?'
God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said , 'What is a hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....'
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'
And Adam said, "What's a headache."

Submitted by a Ken G.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,"
They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Submitted by a Rich DiPaolo
Monday, January 12, 2009

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.
She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.
"I've been stung by a wasp" She says.
" Where did it get you?" He replies
"Between the 1st and 2nd hole"
"I think your stance must be a little too wide"

Submitted by a Mac Covele
Friday, January 9, 2009

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Submitted by a Nathan Boyer
Thursday, January 8, 2009

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, " Bob , do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

Submitted by a Ed Sinner
Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
He ignores her again and continues down the street.
The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says:
"Hi, my name is Andy and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"

Submitted by a Toby Prichard
Tuesday, January 6, 2009

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Scotland in Aberdeen and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Scottish customer grabs the robber's hood and pulls it off, revealing the thief's face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?", calls out the robber.
There are a few moments of silence...then old Angus McGee, while continuing to look down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife here may have caught a glimpse."

Submitted by a Michael Campbell
Monday, January 5, 2009

Bad Joke Friday

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."
Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"

Submitted by a Toby Prichard
Friday, December 19, 2008

This female New York reporter was sent down to Arkansas to do a human nature story. She wound up up in the foothills and saw this old Hillbilly leaning against a fence and thought this would be the perfect person to interview for her story. She approached the old Hillbilly and asked if she could interview him and he said sure. She asked him what he did for fun. He said "Well, one time the neighbors pig got lost so we formed a posse, found the pig then we all took turns making love to it and then we went home." Well this really surprised the reporter so she thought she'd rephrase the question, so she asked him what he did for excitement. The old Hillbilly replied, "Well, one time the neighbors daughter got lost so we formed a posse, found the girl then we all took turns making love to her and then we went home." Well the reporter thought this wasn't going well so she decided to change her tactics. The reporter asked the old Hillbilly "What makes you sad?" Well the old Hillbilly looked at the ground, kicked the dirt a couple times and said, "Well, one time I got lost."

Submitted by a Gary Black
Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of indians. They start to spur their horse forward when they realised that there are hundreds of indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realise, they were surrounded. The indians had spread out. They were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says "Tonto, my firend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together but now I think we are doomed".
" We?" replied Tonto "What's all this we, Paleface?"

Submitted by a Andy Lang
Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.

Submitted by a Jerry Blikre
Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Bad Joke Friday

Q - Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A - Just when it's getting interesting they are finished until next time...

Submitted by a Brad Shoemaker
Friday, December 12, 2008

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Submitted by a Brad Shoemaker
Thursday, December 11, 2008

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven.
The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven.
The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties.
Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent Christmas?"
The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's."

Submitted by a Nathan Boyer
Wedensday, December 10, 2008

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

Submitted by a Toby Prichard
Tuesday, December 9, 2008

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing Terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names''s. The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is?

Submitted by a Barry Teter
Monday, December 8, 2008

Bad Joke Friday

A man went to a zoo. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

Submitted by a Gary Black
Friday, December 5, 2008

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

Submitted by a Ed Sinner
Thursday, December 4, 2008

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts, something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

Submitted by a Rich DiPaolo
Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a large mule lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: 'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Mary's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads over to take care of the matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...
Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

Submitted by a Michael Campbell
Tuesday, December 2, 2008

At a medical convention, an Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.

Submitted by a Ken G.
Monday, December 1, 2008