" I don't like any drug that encourages people to take off
their shoes." - Nick Griffin on smoking pot
"Have you ever worn a different
deodorant and for the rest of the day you feel like there
is a stranger standing next to you."
- Jim Gaffigan
"If it's so great outside, why are
all the bugs trying to get inside my house?"
- Jim Gaffigan on camping
"I want to work at an unemployment
office because even if they fire you, they still have to
- Phil Mazo
"If I could punch just one animal
in the face, it would be an ostrich."
- "Larry King"
"Sodomy takes the fun out of bird
- Tom Griswold on gay parks
"I have horrible gay-dar. I could
see two guys making out at a bar and think they are just
excited about the playoffs."
- Dwight Slade
"Books are for people who don't
have ideas of their own."
- Greg Hahn
"I hate it here so what's the rush?"
- Greg Hahn to his former boss about motivation at work.
"Everyone has a butt, Tom."
- Kristi Lee to Tom about teaching kids about proctology
"My son is a horrible driver. He's
hit everything but the lottery."
- Mike Armstrong
"I hate porn with plots."
"In Spanish, 'passionate' means
'loud and irrational.'"
- Pat Dixon on his passionate latina girlfriend
"My parents got divorced after 40
years. That's the longest game of chicken ever."
- David Dyer
"Last time I went to a gym they
gave me a t-shirt with their name on it and asked me not
to wear it."
- Wild Bill Bauer on his physical fitness
"Musician people aren't dumb."
- Duff McKagan on the stereotype of rockers
"With the sweater vest and the beard,
Gunner looks like a lumberjack going to church."
- Tom Griswold
"Since I got my grills done I'm
smiling even when I'm angry. I smile like the Cleveland Indian."
- Guy Torry on having his teeth done
"My pee is okay."
- Tom on accidentally dropping his cell phone in the toilet
"Life and I don't always get along."
- Tom Griswold on asking a lot of questions and being skeptical
"You can't play grab-ass unless