"Young women are like warm donuts, and older women are like crackers. Sometimes you feel like having a cracker, but you always want a donut."
- Nick Griffin
"I listen to your show all the time" - Tom Griswold to Michael Feldman
"My show's not on all the time."
- Michael Feldman right back to Tom
"Sodomy sounds bad in any language."
- Bob Kevoian
"The metric system makes you're penis sound bigger."
- Ryan Belleville
"Have you ever worn a different deodorant and for the rest of the day you feel like there is a stranger standing next to you."
- Jim Gaffigan
"If it's so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house?"
- Jim Gaffigan on camping
"I want to work at an unemployment office because even if they fire you, they still have to pay you."
- Phil Mazo
"If I could punch just one animal in the face, it would be an ostrich."
- "Larry King"
"Sodomy takes the fun out of birdwatching."
- Tom Griswold on gay parks
"I have horrible gay-dar. I could see two guys making out at a bar and think they are just excited about the playoffs."
- Dwight Slade
"Books are for people who don't have ideas of their own."
- Greg Hahn
"I hate it here so what's the rush?"
- Greg Hahn to his former boss about motivation at work.
"Everyone has a butt, Tom."
- Kristi Lee to Tom about teaching kids about proctology
"My son is a horrible driver. He's hit everything but the lottery."
- Mike Armstrong
"I hate porn with plots."
-Bob Kevoian
"In Spanish, 'passionate' means 'loud and irrational.'"
- Pat Dixon on his passionate girlfriend
"My parents got divorced after 40 years. That's the longest game of chicken ever."
- David Dyer
"Last time I went to a gym they gave me a t-shirt with their name on it and asked me not to wear it."
- Wild Bill Bauer on his physical fitness
"Musician people aren't dumb."
- Duff McKagan on the stereotype of rockers
"With the sweater vest and the beard, Gunner looks like a lumberjack going to church."
- Tom Griswold
"Since I got my grills done I'm smiling even when I'm angry. I smile like the Cleveland Indian."
- Guy Torry on having his teeth done
"My pee is okay."
- Tom on accidently dropping his cell phone in the toilet
"Life and I don't always get along."
- Tom Griswold on asking a lot of questions and being skeptical
"You can't play grab-ass unless you're naked."
-Chick McGee
"Here's a quote I want on the page; 'Tom is a douche bag'"
- Bob Kevoian
"Have you ever notice that when you talk about Segways it's hard to transition into another topic?"
- Tom Griswold making a joke about the homonyms Segway and segues
"I got a Snuggie the other day; the blanket with sleeves. Finally, a uniform for depression."
- Pat Dixon
"I've never thought about having kids before, but after having so many computer problems lately..."
- Nick Griffin on kids' knowledge of technology
"I'm guessing Native Americans wish they had had a tougher immigration policy."
- John Evans
"I quit smoking and drinking and I eat better. Now I'm so healthy it makes me sick."
- Pat Dixon
"Calling Kathy Lee 'entertainment' is like calling falling off the roof 'transportation.'"
- Rocky LaPorte
"Is that sound a horse galloping or Tom chewing?"
- Chick McGee on the Tom's table manners
"Hugh Hefner is never giving up power. He's the Fidel Castro of boobies."
- Jeffrey Ross
"After what happened to my 401k, my new retirement plan is the Rapture."
- Scott Dunn
"You know the economy is bad when they start laying off planets."
- Bob Kevoian on why they might have downgraded Pluto from its status as a planet
"'Don't Stop till they say no twice' isn't a sales technique, it's a fraternity slogan."
- Patti Vasquez on pushy sales people
"When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell."
- Emo Philips on Evolution vs. Intelligent Design
"Diarrhea doesn't work on a nudie beach."
- Tom Griswold
"You're going to hell on a scholarship."
- Spanky Brown to Tom Griswold
"A little girl getting bit by a pony is like being raped by Santa."
- Louis C.K. on crushing people's dreams
"If you can figure out how to kill a guy with a cassette tape, he probably deserves to die."
- Tom Griswold on weapons in prison.
"The desert doesn't make me horny."
- Kristi Lee
"When girls go wild they flash their boobs. When women go wild, they kill men."
- Louis C.K. on loving older women.
"Godfather III is the Curly Joe of that film series."
- Tom Griswold
"There are gangs of transvestites? I always thought that was more of a loner thing."
- Tom Griswold
"It's also known as the Northwest Baby Passage"
- Bob Kevoian with another name for mommy parts
"Between me, Oprah and her period, you don't have a chance."
- Geoff Brown as the Devil calling about your girl-friend
"I'm new to the 'front-ass' concept."
- Tom Griswold
"Chick, your sexuality has always been up for grabs."
- Tom Griswold
"There was a time when Kristi's genitalia was in the witness protection program."
- Tom Griswold on Kristi's past
"Winning 'Best Supporting Actor in a Music Video' is like one step above eating the most mashed potatoes."
- Rodney Carrington on his CMT Award
"My dog reminds me of my ex-husband. He's not pulling his weight financially and he's afraid of the vacuum."
- Karen Rontowski
"Jesus saves... and then he passes those savings on to me."
- Ryan Stout on looking for the good deals in life.
"I've never noticed Kristi to have any excessive flatulence."
- Tom Griswold on Kristi's diet.
"Sloppy Joes are just burgers that got their asses kicked."
- Donnie Baker on beating your food like Tom beats his cereal
"You don't want to be in the back row of a nude yoga class."
-Kristi Lee
"This guy got ripped to shreds humorously."
- Tom Griswold on the guy who fell into a bear pit while taking a picture
"My gym in LA is actually more like a gay bar with free weights."
- Dov Davidoff
"Nicole Kidman at 9-months pregnant is my goal weight two years from now."
- Caroline Rhea
"I'm not fat, I'm hard to kidnap."
- Jen Kober
"I've always wanted to date a baby."
- Tom Griswold on behalf of the woman dating Vern Troyer (Mini-Me)
"Do you listen to anyone but yourself?"
- Kristi Lee to Tommy G. during a newscast.
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